Live/Wire - Diary - The General's Diary #2
The Diamond Weekend - 5th/6th October 2007.
This weeks diary starts on the Tuesday…….Beano informs The General that Shakey is out of action! He has Labyrinthitis – a severe inner ear infection that badly affects balance & makes you feel permanently nauseous! – AND the tablets you take for treating this condition make you hallucinate!!!!!! Sounds like he’s permanently pissed!!......Lucky bastard!!!
LiveWire are lucky enough to have many friends though! Col Bollocks(A.K.A. rocknrollcol on the Live Wire forum) agrees to help out on the Friday night!
The load-in at The Diamond sees TinK & The General meet Jane from Bracknell, who has come all the way up from “Kant-Landan” to check out the band for the two nights!!
Beano then turns up, with hair looking like he’s had his penis rammed into a plug socket!!
A phone call to Col Bollocks reveals that he doesn’t know exactly where the venue is! The General tells him to come off of the M1 at J28 & follow the smell, then turn away from said stink near the zebra crossing & The Diamond’s on the left!!!
Soundcheck goes well, even though The Geordie, with Kimmy in tow, turn up afterwards!!!!
Pre-gig, The General meets up with Hatmaster Cheesewank & Sweeping Brush & proceed to talk utter shite for ages over a few pints of apple flavoured piss!!
The utterly gorgeous Frau-Von Fukkanzihoffn arrives, along with her daughter Duds! More apple flavoured piss is ordered! More shite is discussed & debated!!
Scarborough Dave & Scarborough Linda are also in attendance, fully armed with items from an online joke shop!! The “Beer Goggles” are an excellent touch! The General insists on a photo whilst wearing them, & discovers that they make him talk in a strong Scottish accent!!!
Scarborough Dave scares the shit out of Sweeping Brush by placing a “Detonator” under his pint glass……..Sweeping Brush Lifts his glass…….& there’s a mini “Nagasaki” – type explosion!! Much mirth ensues!!...Sweeping Brush’s trousers now look like he’s soiled himself!
The gig itself witnesses a good turnout for a Friday! Scarborough Dave & Scarborough Linda don their convict outfits for “Jailbreak” & JonBon invites them onstage & they prance about accordingly!!! Col Bollocks does the band proud & plays solidly all night! – Nice one mate – you northern, git!!!!!!
Hatmaster Cheesewank does his somewhat understated, yet insane dancing routine, joined by Frau-Von-Fukkanzihoffn……….Sweeping Brush appears “underwhelmed” by the brother & sister combo of unusual antics!!
After the gig, Col Bollocks leaves & forgets to get paid!!....Bargain!!!
Frau-Von-Fukkanzihoffn & TinK have an enthusiastic debate about cakes, in which Frau-Von-Fukkanzihoffn gets TinK in a head-lock & convinces him that triple chocolate fudge cake is THE daddy!!! TinK however, already agrees!
During the next day, Beano takes TinK to the local Italian restaurant. Beano “forces” TinK to endure the drink “Grappa”…………..TinKs facial muscles have since had to be surgically amputated, & are currently on life support in Kings Mill Hospital, Sutton-In-Ashfield, Notts!!!!!
Saturday night is THE main night for The Diamond……& AC/DC fans turn up in droves!!!
Lady Johnson makes the drive up from “Kant Landan” to join her beloved Beano!
Scarborough Dave & Scarborough Linda are there for a second night of punishment! They place more “Detonators” in strategic positions!!
Ex-LiveWire member Daftlad turns up, along with Mrs Daftlad! – Great to see ‘em again!!
BladeBabe also joins the fray & her beloved JonBon…..& readies herself to get pissed & fall over……again!!!
Mr Beef Janks shows himself & proceeds to take the piss out of anything with a pulse!! – for a change!!
Also great to see the Asda Renegades!! – Irish Jo, Tracey No Shit & Jimmy Strange (& his Mum!)
Mike Pitbull from DC79 comes to the aid of LiveWire on bass guitar tonight! JonBon makes his way through the crowd carrying his guitar. Mike Pitbull follows, but is almost missed by The General due to the 15 inch height difference!!
The Saturday Diamond crowd, as ever, are up for it right from the start! Tonight’s set is a “Beano Sandwich!!” with JonBon either side! It soon becomes clear that Mike Pitbull knows how to whack it out………on the bass!!
After a great (& hot!) night, the lads go & dry off in the dressing room, only to be joined by Beef Janks……who starts to take the piss once again, adding his usual funny, very generous sprinkling of offensive swear words!!
Later, The General meets up with Sunderland Bob & Dave Big Tits. During a session of talking bollocks, The General realizes that he’s had their names wrong for years!!!
Mike Pitbull, after doing a brilliant job for us, unfortunately remembers to get paid!
Going into the small hours, Irish Jo, Tracey No Shit & Frau & General-Von-Fukkanzihoffn moan & groan about what an “unbelievable sack of shit” Asda Mansfield really is! Beef Janks takes the piss!!
The General notices a bloke asleep near to them, as does bar manageress Zoe BossMan! After a 5 minute “conversation” with the “shedded” individual, it transpires that what he’s been saying all along isn’t actually true! Despite his inebriated sincerity, by now, he’s completely confused himself!! - He insisted that he had a room at The Diamond, so Zoe BossMan asks to see the key. After much rummaging, squirming & continuously having to be woken up, he finally produces the key. But it turns out that the key he has is his own house key, and now, unfortunately for him, he’s forgotten where he is & indeed, where he lives!! He staggers & sways into the night & hasn’t been seen since!
The same group later on, have a strange experience in the presence of “The Timotei Prick!!” This weird fellow displayed habitual behaviour – every 15 minutes, he’d walk past, pause briefly to look at the girls in the group, flick his hair & ponce off into the bogs! Only to reappear, pause & look once again, flick his hair & ponce back off to the bar!
The General comments - “Well, …….it’s like he’s just stepped out of the mutha f*ckin’ salon!!”
The next day is the now traditional “Sunday Humping!” In other words, getting your tackle out………of the venue!!
The General pulls up at the back doors only to find TinK with a permanent grin on his face! The General nods at TinK, TinK smiles even more & nods back at The General……no words are needed!!
JonBon gets himself a cup of tea & after receiving sarcastic comments, skulks off & makes 2 more!
After the humping JonBon announces that he’s going back to bed. The General drives TinK to the train station.
The General arrives home, only to be phoned by Tink – “err……….they don’t appear to do trains round here on a Sunday!!!?” The General gets back in Thunderbird 1 and goes back to the station!
It’s decided that TinK will take the bus to Notts & then get the train.
The General arrives home & receives a text message – “On my way mate!” – Great!
Another text message is received 5 minutes later – “The bloody train broke down! I’m on my way back to Notts!”
TinK sends another message at 9.30pm to say that he’s finally arrived home, but The General, by this time has drunk an entire bottle of Tesco’s “turps & go” vodka, and is now shouting at the PC screen in a terrible, slightly slurred German accent, telling his online opponents that “zey vill all pizz off und die, …… capitalist pigdogz!”
Never Mind Eh?
Cheers!
General-Von-Fukkanzihoffn.
A.K.A. Daz (Drums)
Posted by Daz on Tue 27th November 2007
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- Medication! - Posted by Snoozy