Live/Wire - Diary - The General's Diary #3
Morecambe & Bury - 12th/13th October 2007
This weekend gets off to a near disastrous start when The General nearly parks Thunderbird 1 in somebody’s front garden on Col Bollocks’ estate! Despite John Cleese on his tomtom sat’ nav’ yelling at him to turn left, he’s too busy shouting along to “Sweaty Betty” by The Macc Lads & misses the apex!
On arriving at the house, Col’s 1½ year old Daughter takes one look at The General, runs inside & hides behind her Mum!!?
On the way, The General educates Col Bollocks on the musical & lyrical genius of The Macc Lads & Kevin Bloody Wilson! Although some of his musical tastes are less well received!
It takes about 3 years to reach the venue thanks to 5 traffic jams!
The General & Col Bollocks arrive & hump the gear in on their own & set up.
Beano, JonBon & TinK arrive a further 2 years later thanks to another long, tortuous & slow journey!
The Geordie, along with Kimmy, arrive “fashionably late!!”
After sound check, TinK, completely out of the blue, looks at Beano & informs him that he is a “F*cking c*nt!” Beano seems unsurprised by this humorous character assassination attempt!!
A query about the cannons’ safety is raised by the lady in charge. JonBon replies by saying “It’s ok…..we’ve only had 3 fires!!!” – She decides to disable all of the fire alarms & continues to look worried until the end of the show!
After a great gig, JonBon calls himself a “F*cking twat” for not wiring up one of the cannons properly!
It’s a 65 mile drive to the Travelodge, well, when they eventually find the correct one!, but it makes the next days gig a doddle – only a few miles away. This gives The General the chance to unleash his tipple of choice for the evening/morning! It’s a bottle of 75.5% volume white rum!! This bottle of liver failing elixir was given to him by one of his drumming students, Bruce Madman who declared “It’s f*cking brill this f*cking stuff!! – It’s f*cking banned in this f*cking country!!!” The General replies, commenting on the forthcoming Friday night “Well, f*ck me….that’s f*cking well f*cking gone & f*cking f*cked that f*cking f*cker!!”
The General offers tasters of the spirit to all of the lads, they all react with similar facial contortions!! JonBon however runs into the toilet & makes a lot of spitting noises! He then disappears off to bed!
The remainder of the boys continue unabated though! Col Bollocks has a bottle of “executive” cider, Beano has a hip-flask of Absalut Vanilla, Tink has a few shots of The Generals “shit” & The General downs the rest!
They indulge in a word association game, in which they continue to get back to the subject of toilet habits! Every time they get back to this subject, Col Bollocks invariably says “Squitty!” Everything eventually becomes “Squitty” & the game collapses into anarchy!!
Beano & TinK decide to call it a night. TinK wobbles off & Beano gets up, falls over, to which The General exclaims “And Kevin Keegan takes a dive in the 6 yard box!!” gets up, wanders out of the room & head butts the door on the way out!!
The next day has a very lethargic beginning. Beano appears to be super-glued to his mattress! TinK seems to be away with the fairies, but JonBon is on form & wants to get to the gig! Beano eventually crow-bars himself out of bed & gets ready for a shower, yet insists on playing silly buggers & keeps waving his tackle right behind The Generals head whilst he reads the paper! After a few well worded threats from The General, Beano gets in the shower!!
The lads get to the venue very early, but as the place is open, decide to load in. A “Yates’s” is directly opposite – oh dear! They then decide to set up & get the stage set sorted. The Geordie then turns up & exclaims “I can’t f*cking believe it! We said we’d get hear for 4 f*cking pm – it’s 3.55, I’m f*cking here & you f*ckers have made me look f*cking bad…..again!!...........like!!!”
As the sound man is there & ready, they decide to sound check as well. During this The General goes out front & lets JonBon go on his drums. The band blag their way through “Walk all over you” & the sound is ace!!!
In the dressing room The General pulls the pillows of the settee back & finds 74 pence!! JonBon hastily rips the rest of the cushions off of the other furniture, but to his disappointment finds sod all!!
The bottom of the toilet is impressive though, containing an awesome “starting grid!”
Col bollocks, TinK, Beano & The General decide to have their “breakfast” in the Subway eatery, opposite. The boys take the piss out of The General, wondering where his other 4 baguettes are!! But The General is on a “Light lunch/Dinner!” & so tells them to “piss off, you soft, green stuff eating wankers!”
During the gig, the lighting engineer decides to abandon his post & join in the frolics at the front!!!
After a very enjoyable show, the boys relax somewhat too much & get rushed to get stripped down & sod off!!!
Col Bollocks & The General drive back in Thunderbird 1 & during the journey, discuss ghouls, ghosts & various spooky things!!
The General finally gets home & then remembers the rest of the rest of the 75.5 % white rum!! – He then relaxes for the remainder of the evening/morning!!
Cheers!
General-Von-Fukkanzihoffn
A.K.A – Daz (Drums)!!
Posted by Daz on Wed 28th November 2007
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- Morcombe n Bury - Posted by Col