Live/Wire - Diary - The General's Diary #6
Brighton Komedia & The Ryde Theatre, Isle Of Wight – 4th & 5th April 2008.
The Geordie makes the trek from ‘The Toon’ to El Bastardos & The General obligingly makes him a mug of brown sludge!
The gear is loaded & the twosome set off with Thunderbird 1 crammed to the knackers!!!
They make their way to Will Bigbangs’ shop en route, to pick up some charges for the cannons.
It’s a long journey down! The road works on the M1 slow things right down to a complete stop on numerous occasions and the M25 is it’s usual, tedious self! The General vows, not for the first time, never ever to travel on it during daylight hours ever, ever again!!!.......ever!!!
They however eventually reach the Komedia in Brighton……well, when they finally manage to find the right street!!
On arrival, they are greeted by the rest of the boys!
During the trip down, Shakey picks up our new van!! – The Pimpernel!! A red, long wheel base, 7 seater, ex-post office LDV! Cheap & hopefully cheerful???!!!
The decision to get a new van was made shortly after the other van, Bertha, was described upon inspection by Wayne Mekanik as “shite!”
Bertha will be appearing in a scrap yard near you, soon!!!!
The last few weekends has seen the triumphant return of the original LiveWire roadie, Onion!! Onion has been there since day one of the band and has seen all the changes during the bands history! Circumstances, over the last couple of years, however, have meant that he couldn’t make most of the gigs…..but now he’s back!!.....and he’s even more of a piss-taking bastard than he was before!!! LiveWire welcome him back with open arms!(& clenched buttocks!!) He’s the best roadie in the business & looks after all of us, brilliantly!! Please do say hello if you see him at a show….he’s a great little fella!!!.....oh yes….AND he’s a Geordie!!! Now we have TWO real Geordies & one fake one!!....we’re all now starting to adopt the accent……. whether we like it or not !!......Like!!
The gig itself is something very special……you don’t often get audiences THIS good!!!! No exaggeration….you could not WISH for a better, louder crowd of people!!!
Right from the get-go it’s one of the most shouty gigs I’ve ever had the good fortune to play!!
The Basildon Crew are in attendance & go apeshit!!! The Chainsaw Gang go bananas!!...with The General catching Rockmuzikrocks out, doing one of the weirdest dances ever!! And The Coven are also there, including Lisa!!...all looking dark & mysterious!!
Beano points out to the audience about three quarters of the way through the set that Komedia sounds like Chlamydia!!!
The salvo of cannon fire at the end receives HUGE cheers!! And although The Geordie is forced to leave the stage a few seconds prematurely, due to a technical hitch, we take our bows for the amazing crowd!! – WHAT A GIG!!! Thank you everybody!!!...Even Onion remarks that he thinks that it’s the best LiveWire gig he’s ever attended!!!!!
With the next day’s early start looming, the usual Travelodge antics are cut short, with The General being ‘forced’ to drink his vodka twice as fast!!
The Geordie, Shakey & Onion are the first to rise the next morning & proceed to try to cram all the gear into The Pimpernel ready for the ferry crossing to the Isle Of Wight!
The General, somewhat grumpily, gets out of bed & into the shower. And then proceeds to slip in the bath tub, do a triple toe loop over the sink & a half somersault with pike & lands on the floor, banging the back of his head on the deck…VERY HARD!!! Luckily, only a bruise on the hip from contact with the sink & a cartoon style lump on the nut are the only injuries!!
He then joins the rest of the lads outside. The scene that greets him is like the aftermath of a terrorist attack!.....stuff everywhere!!! TinK suddenly decides that everything is under control & promptly ponces off to pack his handbag!!, JonBon films the chaos on his camcorder & giggles a lot! & Beano tries his best not to look too despairing, along with The General!!
Yet somehow all of the gear fits in The Pimpernel with the help of optional rear facing seats, high roof, brute force & mindless violence!!
So, the journey to the ferry port begins with The General having to seriously back off of the throttle in Thunderbird 1, so that The Pimpernel can keep up! TinK in Eeorr, (his car) bring up the rear!
The General along with his passenger, Onion, lead the way to the port & then, upon arrival, attempt to find a parking space outside….. You see, the plan was to take Eeorr & The Pimpernel onto the ferry whilst leaving Thunderbird 1 in the parking lot until the next day. Then Onion & The General would clamber into Eeorr & get on the ferry & then full steam ahead for The Isle Of Wight!....Unfortunately, this plan goes totally pear-shaped as Tink, in his infinite wisdom, decides to drive straight onto the ferry along with The Pimpernel, the bow doors of the ferry close immediately & off it goes!!!
The General & Onion, however, are completely oblivious to this fact, as they are still trying to scramble together the six quid required for the parking fee!!
The General receives a phone call from Shakey about two minutes later, just as the ticket is being purchased. The noise on the other end of the phone consists of loud laughter, swearing & something about being left behind & being ‘lilly livered land lovers!!’
A plethora of calls are then exchanged between Shakey & The General which mainly consist of laughter, piss taking & pirate phrases such as ‘Avast’, ‘Shiver me timbers’, ‘Splice the main brace’, ‘Pieces of bastard eight!’ & ‘Suck me cock!!’
Shakey, a.k.a. Cap’n Jack Chaffinch, does however inform The General that he’s managed to sort two places on the next ferry with the Skipper! He will just phone the ticket office & they should just be able to walk on, no problem!
The General liaises with the helpful people in the mainland ticket office & is informed that they know bugger all about this arrangement!!
The next ferry arrives…..& then sods off, with still no word about what the hell is going on!!
The message is eventually received by the ticket office, (probably by carrier pigeon!!) & the forgotten twosome trudge onto the NEXT ferry!
The crossing is a very pleasant & bleeding expensive affair!!.........The General goes to buy Onion & himself some cans of Stella from the shop. Upon bringing three cans of said piss to the till, he somewhat strangely hears the cashier say “Nine pounds please, Sir!!”
After being resuscitated, The General returns to Onion & drinks his cans with considerable gusto!!!
The island arrives all too quickly & TinK, the abandoner, picks up the two abandonees & after a short piss take, they set off for the venue!!
They arrive there, only to be greeted by the fact that all the gear has already been carried up the stairs…….except all the heavy stuff!!!.......So guess who has to lump it up there..??....That’s right!.....the two poor souls who were ABANDONED on the mainland!!!
The set up goes steadily enough & Shakey then decides to go to the local chippy & get the food in! – BIG mistake! Set up grinds to a halt as the lads decide to ‘f*ck it!’ & tuck in to the grub!! Whilst the sound engineer looks on somewhat desperately!!
Sound check is completed on time, however, despite the distractions!
The gig is a slightly unusual one! These islanders seem to take a short while to ‘get’ what the show & indeed LiveWire are about!! – Lots of surprised & shocked faces greet the boys in between songs as well as the cheering & applause!! But as time goes on, they relax more & more & by the time the ‘Brian Era’ set is a few tunes in, the audience are starting to go mad!!
The gig is very well received by both the audience & the management!! – Looks like we made a lot of friends & allies this night!!! – We WILL be back soon! Thanks everybody!!
The strip down goes smoothly as Onion adopts the ‘ramp’ method for getting the gear off the stage! It turns out to be a move of genius!!!
Upon arrival at the Travelodge, it takes about twenty minutes to get in, because of the receptionist having a wank in the back room over a copy of ‘Salty Solent Sea Dogs!’
Yet again, the nights pissing about is cut short because of the next days early start! The General is by now growing tired of this utter tomfoolery!!!!
The next day they are greeted by a few inches of snow outside! The Geordie immediately phones Shakey in the other room, asking “Will this affect the ferry crossing??....I’ve got to get back to Newcastle as quick as poss’ , like!!”
Onion & The General this time are not left behind by TinK, as The General insists on getting in Eeorr, & then not budging until they are on the ferry & definitely moving!!!
Back on the mainland, Thunderbird 1 is discovered to have about 4-5 inches of snow covering it!!
The lads say there farewells for another week & The General chucks a large snowball at Eeorr!
The Geordies insistence of getting back to Newcastle as early as possible is compounded with The Geordie grabbing a pilfered Travelodge pillow out of his bag, sticking it over his head & then sleeping for nearly the entire journey back to El Bastardos!!
The General makes The Geordie & Onion a departing mug of brown sludge & then they are on their way!!!
The General then reflects on a weekend of plenty of driving, abandonment, extortionate beer prices, shouting, piss taking, snow, & saying ‘hahaarrgh’ a lot!!
……must be the sea air!!!
Avast!
General-Von-Fukkanzihoffn (A.K.A. – Daz, Drums, peg-leg, eye patch & cutlass!!)
Posted by Daz on Thu 17th April 2008
4 Comments Posted - View comments Post a new comment
- ST IVES GIG - Posted by PAUL FROM CORNWALL
- Pillow - Posted by RiCko
- Brighton Komedia - Posted by ROCKGODDESS
- Chips! - Posted by Beano