Live/Wire - Diary - The General's Diary #8
Tavistock Wharf & Penzance Acorn Theatre 12th & 13th December 2008.
Well………Where the hell do I start for this diary entry?? I could write a bleeding book just about this one weekend!!!!
….ah well, here goes!!.......
Friday gets off to a surprisingly good start, for a change!
The Geordie heads down to El Bastardos and arrives with a wry grin on his face!! He is in very high spirits & eager to laugh & joke about everything!!
Frau-Von-Fukkanzihoffn forces The General to make The Geordie a mug of coffee in his thermos mug to last him on the journey!....Sod The General, eh love??!!
The pair swan off to Tesco’s to fill Thunderbird 1 up to the brim with diesel…..unfortunately there is a que at the pumps as long as the “I want to kick the shit out of Piers Morgan” petition, so they decide to ‘slum it’ & lower themselves to get the fuel from the local draconian, inhumane, nazi-esque branch of Asda Fascist Bastards instead!!
There, they meet up with the new roadie – Colonel Collyer!!
He has been with us for a few weekends now & is the perfect crew partner for Onion! As strong as an ox & as gentle as a rapist!! It’s like he’s been with us for years! He’s fitted straight in & takes the piss out of everyone like a complete git!!
Say hello to him if you get the chance….he’s a great bloke & an ass(et) to the band!
After filling up, the trio set off……destination Tavistock!
On the long trip down they talk about various things, but The Geordie hits upon a few good things relating to films. (or fillams as he pronounces it!) He wonders which is the most iconic film character of all time & which big movie blockbusters never had a sequel made! – Two very good questions indeed! You have to play these long haul travel games otherwise you start to go chicken oriental!!!
It doesn’t help Colonel Collyer though as he starts to develop cabin fever 25 miles from the destination!! He starts to talk utter shite & starts to ask himself questions that he doesn’t know the answers to anyway & therefore starts to get even more confused as to why he’s asking them in the first place! So he then feels the need to question himself about his reasoning behind the questions that he’s questioning himself about…………!!!!
Sanity breaks out though on arrival at Tavistock Wharf, where all of the weekends crew are reunited!! With us this weekend are Classicrockmaiden – the mistress of the merchandise! Blakey – the promoter & constant source of good advice! Vern Knob Twiddler taking care of sound & Rocknrolldame in charge of catering, tea making duties & massaging JonBon’s ego!!
It’s an ‘all hands on deck’ approach to the load in as time is a little short. But the set up is slicker than a gob-full of snot & sound check goes equally tastily!!
The gig is a sell out!! It fills to bursting point very quickly & long time friend of the band Big Damo & his Girlfriend & Mum only just manage to squeeze in at the absolute last moment after having to stand outside in the increasingly heavy rain! They make it in & slosh their way into the auditorium with seconds to spare!!
The gig is a total monster!!!! Everyone has a great time shouting along, playing air guitar & banging their heads!! Terrific to see so many youngsters too!! – screaming their lungs out as though their lives depended on it!! Thankyou to everybody – it was a stormer!
While the lads are cooling down in the dressing room after the show, they are informed by Blakey that a lot of people had to be turned away at the door because the venue was full! – Including a mini-bus full of folks! Well that made us feel bloody awful, so we would like to apologize to those who couldn’t get in. Our advice to you in future is to buy a ticket in advance or shag a band member in advance!!!!!!!
The band get to meet up with quite a few people afterwards, including the slightly dryer Big Damo & co!!
We bid farewell to our Devon friends & hump the gear out!
Onion & Colonel Collyer do the vast majority of the loading, with Onion staying in the back of the vans to ‘supervise’ whilst Colonel Collyer carries the gear outside & gets soaked by the relentless rain!! – Poor lad!!
It’s decided that The Blunder Bus (renamed from The Scarlet Pimpernel for various reasons!) along with it’s occupants will go straight to the nights hotel & Thunderbird 1 will go cross country to a 24 hour Tesco’s for “supplies”, then back to the hotel!
This plan doesn’t get off to the best of starts though, as Thunderbird 1 fails to start! The General however knows exactly what the problem is!! He opens the bonnet, twats the battery connection with a heavy stage weight, tries again & it starts no problem!!!
So Colonel Collyer, Willie Eckerslike & The General head off into the murky abyss!!
The trip to Tesco’s turns out to be…….different!
The road out of Tavistock is like a shallow river! Large puddles & flowing water are everywhere to be seen!
As they go off into the countryside things get progressively worse! Ever larger puddles & even faster, deeper flowing water are now the norm! Midway into the journey they round a corner & find themselves in the middle of Lake Windermere!! It slows Thunderbird 1 to a crawl, but gets through ok & The General stands down the life boats! Willie Eckerslike then comments that he swore he’d just seen Donald Campbell!!!
Just when they think they’d seen it all, they come to a T-junction & have to turn right up a hill……it was like driving up the log flume at Alton Towers!! Fast, deep water rushing down the road at them & hurtling into farmers fields through gateways!! – An unbelievable amount of water!! Just like something you’d see on the TV!!
Thunderbird 1 is in unstoppable mood though & climbs the hill effortlessly!!
They reach Tesco’s & raid it! The General, under strict instruction from The Frau buys TinK the biggest, heaviest chocolate cake in all of Devon & Colonel Collyer decides to smash a bottle of red wine at the tills!!
When they reach the hotel, the usual merriment ensues with bullshit, bollocks & alcohol flowing nicely!!
The Generals camping stove makes its usual appearance & tins of chilli & all day breakfasts are cooked up!!
Shakey starts to giggle profusely at his own jokes!!....again!! When this starts to happen, Shakey’s reaction to his joke is infinitely funnier than the joke itself!! So you don’t really have to listen….….just wait for his reaction!!!
With empty bottles & full bellies they all retire to bed!
The next day starts as usual with The General on the verge of being grumpy & not wanting to get up at all out of the beautiful, comfy, soft, lovely, lovely bed…….!!
It’s agreed all round that it would be wise to drive straight to the venue & then look for something to eat. This plan goes all pear-shaped however on the A30 when Colonel Collyer is told by The General that the famous Jamaica Inn is coming up on the left! “Oh please can we go in?...please…..please!!?” So they hurtle down the slip road, go up the hill, turn into the car park & trudge into the famous Inn!
Three pints of Tribute ale are ordered & the previous nights flood survivors start to savor it just as the others waltz in through the door!
The General & Colonel Collyer decide to go to the bog!
Now, as some of you may know the Jamaica Inn is world famous for three reasons 1 – Daphne Du Maurier wrote a fictional novel based upon it’s alleged past, which is – 2 – It was supposedly used as a major stashing spot for smugglers & hideout & refuge for various villains. And 3 – It’s allegedly haunted by several spirits in different areas! And one of THE most active areas is…..yes, the male toilets!!
Having had one previous, very odd experience in the bog, The General tells Colonel Collyer his account of it on the way there.
Once inside, Colonel Collyer has a piss, then The General announces that he’s going to attempt to ‘squeeze one out’!!
The pair then have a joke when Colonel Collyer decides to make a sharp exit – “Right, I’m leaving yer!!”, The General retorts – “Oh yeah, that’s right, leave me on my own!” Colonel Collyer then goes out through the door, down the passage, round the corner & back towards the bar. The General is left alone & goes for a squat in the cubicle!
After the ‘final push’ he hears a bang on the main toilet door & hears it open & close shut again. Thinking that he better make himself look at least partially respectable to the person outside having a piss, & after several particularly deep & satisfying sloppy sphincter wipes he comes out of the cubicle to wash his hands…….only to find nobody there!!!!!! – Truth!
The General, a little spooked, rejoins the others just as they are going into the eating area & decides to keep his mouth firmly shut about the spooky incident in the toilets & the quality of the shit he produced, even though it would have scored 7.6 for volume, 8.5 for viscosity & a definite 9.5 for presentation!
Similar quality ‘produce’ can be viewed on….er…..a certain website…………see if you can find it??!!!!
After a slap-up carvery & Colonel Collyer doing his usual moaning – “Everyone gets more meat than me!” routine, the convoy sets off once again & reaches Penzance & the Acorn Theatre!
Thunderbird 1 finds ‘pole position’ in the rear car park & backs in.
The General meets up with the resident sound man & then immediately flies into the dressing room to find the present that Blakey said that he had left for him in the fridge….he finds it….a bottle of Smirnoff!! RESULT!!! (Vodka gets you EVERYWHERE Blakey….you have been warned!!!!)
The rest of the rabble turn up minutes later!
Upon entrance to the dressing room, the usual cries of “TEA!!” go up from TinK!
Eventually the gear gets brought in & gets dumped…..then another “TEA!!” yell goes up & stops proceedings once again!
Once setup & sound check are completed, the boys retire to the dressing room………………“TEA!!”
A little later, whilst JonBon is out of the room, Rocknrolldame secretly prepares a birthday cake for him! With too many candles on it to count, once lit, this thing promises to go up like a Hiroshima tribute cake!!!
Upon re-entry to the room, a noise like a chorus of classically trained zombie chimps, trying to sing whilst pulling out their own teeth greets him! It’s actually the entire Live/Wire crew singing happy birthday! The painful recital ends with a rousing & impromptu addition at the end that is far too offensive to write here!!!
JonBon braves the inferno & kind of blows all of the candles out!.........eventually!! – The General dutifully keeps one hand ready on the Co2 fire extinguisher behind him! – You never know!!
The cake tastes beautiful, as does the inch thick layer of wax!!
As show time approaches the theatre fills up & the Kornwall Krazies enter!!
Shouts from the audience of “C’mon you tubwhackerrr”, “Go on General” & “Blimey, it’s Big Foot!” greet The General’s entrance to the stage! The General gives the Kornwall Krazies a salute & the gig kicks off!
It’s a great gig as ever at the Acorn! And the Krazies go absolutely barmy! So much so that two security guys come to the front just to make sure that nobody gets hurt!! But as always the Cornish people know how to have a good time – not even a sniff of trouble!
Thanks to everyone who came – it was another brilliant night in Cornwall!!
After the show The General meets up with RicKo, Bennetts & Mansfield! Always brilliant to catch up with these chaps – some of the maddest bastards on the planet!! The General praises RicKo for his you-tube antics – Combat Warriors!! A spoof on martial arts films! As funny as hell!! Just go on you-tube & type in Combat Warriors. You will see all three episodes there (there will be more! – You have been warned!) 1 – Enter The Garden, 2 – Garden Of Fury & 3 – Way Of The Garden……well worth a laugh!!!!
All too soon it’s time to say goodbye once again & the Krazies stagger off into the night! But nothing the Krazies do is done quietly! And they are heard arsing about from the open door of the dressing room for a good five minutes afterwards!!!
Eventually the racket disappears into the abyss!
The Blunder Bus & Thunderbird 1 are loaded. Just as the back doors are shut a completely naked man is seen wobbling through the car park!! Although a little unsteady on his feet, he definitely has purpose to his stride…….who knows where he was going or what he was going to do when he got there, but one thing’s for sure….he’d be doing it with no clothes on!!!??!!!!
With that the Live/Wire circus heads back to the Travelodge for the usual post gig drinking, cooking, piss taking & laughter!
And so another brilliant south west weekend ends …….
…..as TinK would say… “a pleasure & an honour!!”
Cheers!
General-Von-Fukkanzihoffn
(A.K.A. – Daz, Drums,
A.A.K.A. - Tubwhackerrrrrr,
A.A.A.K.A. - Big Foot!!)
Well………Where the hell do I start for this diary entry?? I could write a bleeding book just about this one weekend!!!!
….ah well, here goes!!.......
Friday gets off to a surprisingly good start, for a change!
The Geordie heads down to El Bastardos and arrives with a wry grin on his face!! He is in very high spirits & eager to laugh & joke about everything!!
Frau-Von-Fukkanzihoffn forces The General to make The Geordie a mug of coffee in his thermos mug to last him on the journey!....Sod The General, eh love??!!
The pair swan off to Tesco’s to fill Thunderbird 1 up to the brim with diesel…..unfortunately there is a que at the pumps as long as the “I want to kick the shit out of Piers Morgan” petition, so they decide to ‘slum it’ & lower themselves to get the fuel from the local draconian, inhumane, nazi-esque branch of Asda Fascist Bastards instead!!
There, they meet up with the new roadie – Colonel Collyer!!
He has been with us for a few weekends now & is the perfect crew partner for Onion! As strong as an ox & as gentle as a rapist!! It’s like he’s been with us for years! He’s fitted straight in & takes the piss out of everyone like a complete git!!
Say hello to him if you get the chance….he’s a great bloke & an ass(et) to the band!
After filling up, the trio set off……destination Tavistock!
On the long trip down they talk about various things, but The Geordie hits upon a few good things relating to films. (or fillams as he pronounces it!) He wonders which is the most iconic film character of all time & which big movie blockbusters never had a sequel made! – Two very good questions indeed! You have to play these long haul travel games otherwise you start to go chicken oriental!!!
It doesn’t help Colonel Collyer though as he starts to develop cabin fever 25 miles from the destination!! He starts to talk utter shite & starts to ask himself questions that he doesn’t know the answers to anyway & therefore starts to get even more confused as to why he’s asking them in the first place! So he then feels the need to question himself about his reasoning behind the questions that he’s questioning himself about…………!!!!
Sanity breaks out though on arrival at Tavistock Wharf, where all of the weekends crew are reunited!! With us this weekend are Classicrockmaiden – the mistress of the merchandise! Blakey – the promoter & constant source of good advice! Vern Knob Twiddler taking care of sound & Rocknrolldame in charge of catering, tea making duties & massaging JonBon’s ego!!
It’s an ‘all hands on deck’ approach to the load in as time is a little short. But the set up is slicker than a gob-full of snot & sound check goes equally tastily!!
The gig is a sell out!! It fills to bursting point very quickly & long time friend of the band Big Damo & his Girlfriend & Mum only just manage to squeeze in at the absolute last moment after having to stand outside in the increasingly heavy rain! They make it in & slosh their way into the auditorium with seconds to spare!!
The gig is a total monster!!!! Everyone has a great time shouting along, playing air guitar & banging their heads!! Terrific to see so many youngsters too!! – screaming their lungs out as though their lives depended on it!! Thankyou to everybody – it was a stormer!
While the lads are cooling down in the dressing room after the show, they are informed by Blakey that a lot of people had to be turned away at the door because the venue was full! – Including a mini-bus full of folks! Well that made us feel bloody awful, so we would like to apologize to those who couldn’t get in. Our advice to you in future is to buy a ticket in advance or shag a band member in advance!!!!!!!
The band get to meet up with quite a few people afterwards, including the slightly dryer Big Damo & co!!
We bid farewell to our Devon friends & hump the gear out!
Onion & Colonel Collyer do the vast majority of the loading, with Onion staying in the back of the vans to ‘supervise’ whilst Colonel Collyer carries the gear outside & gets soaked by the relentless rain!! – Poor lad!!
It’s decided that The Blunder Bus (renamed from The Scarlet Pimpernel for various reasons!) along with it’s occupants will go straight to the nights hotel & Thunderbird 1 will go cross country to a 24 hour Tesco’s for “supplies”, then back to the hotel!
This plan doesn’t get off to the best of starts though, as Thunderbird 1 fails to start! The General however knows exactly what the problem is!! He opens the bonnet, twats the battery connection with a heavy stage weight, tries again & it starts no problem!!!
So Colonel Collyer, Willie Eckerslike & The General head off into the murky abyss!!
The trip to Tesco’s turns out to be…….different!
The road out of Tavistock is like a shallow river! Large puddles & flowing water are everywhere to be seen!
As they go off into the countryside things get progressively worse! Ever larger puddles & even faster, deeper flowing water are now the norm! Midway into the journey they round a corner & find themselves in the middle of Lake Windermere!! It slows Thunderbird 1 to a crawl, but gets through ok & The General stands down the life boats! Willie Eckerslike then comments that he swore he’d just seen Donald Campbell!!!
Just when they think they’d seen it all, they come to a T-junction & have to turn right up a hill……it was like driving up the log flume at Alton Towers!! Fast, deep water rushing down the road at them & hurtling into farmers fields through gateways!! – An unbelievable amount of water!! Just like something you’d see on the TV!!
Thunderbird 1 is in unstoppable mood though & climbs the hill effortlessly!!
They reach Tesco’s & raid it! The General, under strict instruction from The Frau buys TinK the biggest, heaviest chocolate cake in all of Devon & Colonel Collyer decides to smash a bottle of red wine at the tills!!
When they reach the hotel, the usual merriment ensues with bullshit, bollocks & alcohol flowing nicely!!
The Generals camping stove makes its usual appearance & tins of chilli & all day breakfasts are cooked up!!
Shakey starts to giggle profusely at his own jokes!!....again!! When this starts to happen, Shakey’s reaction to his joke is infinitely funnier than the joke itself!! So you don’t really have to listen….….just wait for his reaction!!!
With empty bottles & full bellies they all retire to bed!
The next day starts as usual with The General on the verge of being grumpy & not wanting to get up at all out of the beautiful, comfy, soft, lovely, lovely bed…….!!It’s agreed all round that it would be wise to drive straight to the venue & then look for something to eat. This plan goes all pear-shaped however on the A30 when Colonel Collyer is told by The General that the famous Jamaica Inn is coming up on the left! “Oh please can we go in?...please…..please!!?” So they hurtle down the slip road, go up the hill, turn into the car park & trudge into the famous Inn!
Three pints of Tribute ale are ordered & the previous nights flood survivors start to savor it just as the others waltz in through the door!
The General & Colonel Collyer decide to go to the bog!
Now, as some of you may know the Jamaica Inn is world famous for three reasons 1 – Daphne Du Maurier wrote a fictional novel based upon it’s alleged past, which is – 2 – It was supposedly used as a major stashing spot for smugglers & hideout & refuge for various villains. And 3 – It’s allegedly haunted by several spirits in different areas! And one of THE most active areas is…..yes, the male toilets!!
Having had one previous, very odd experience in the bog, The General tells Colonel Collyer his account of it on the way there.
Once inside, Colonel Collyer has a piss, then The General announces that he’s going to attempt to ‘squeeze one out’!!
The pair then have a joke when Colonel Collyer decides to make a sharp exit – “Right, I’m leaving yer!!”, The General retorts – “Oh yeah, that’s right, leave me on my own!” Colonel Collyer then goes out through the door, down the passage, round the corner & back towards the bar. The General is left alone & goes for a squat in the cubicle!
After the ‘final push’ he hears a bang on the main toilet door & hears it open & close shut again. Thinking that he better make himself look at least partially respectable to the person outside having a piss, & after several particularly deep & satisfying sloppy sphincter wipes he comes out of the cubicle to wash his hands…….only to find nobody there!!!!!! – Truth!
The General, a little spooked, rejoins the others just as they are going into the eating area & decides to keep his mouth firmly shut about the spooky incident in the toilets & the quality of the shit he produced, even though it would have scored 7.6 for volume, 8.5 for viscosity & a definite 9.5 for presentation!
Similar quality ‘produce’ can be viewed on….er…..a certain website…………see if you can find it??!!!!
After a slap-up carvery & Colonel Collyer doing his usual moaning – “Everyone gets more meat than me!” routine, the convoy sets off once again & reaches Penzance & the Acorn Theatre!
Thunderbird 1 finds ‘pole position’ in the rear car park & backs in.
The General meets up with the resident sound man & then immediately flies into the dressing room to find the present that Blakey said that he had left for him in the fridge….he finds it….a bottle of Smirnoff!! RESULT!!! (Vodka gets you EVERYWHERE Blakey….you have been warned!!!!)
The rest of the rabble turn up minutes later!
Upon entrance to the dressing room, the usual cries of “TEA!!” go up from TinK!
Eventually the gear gets brought in & gets dumped…..then another “TEA!!” yell goes up & stops proceedings once again!
Once setup & sound check are completed, the boys retire to the dressing room………………“TEA!!”
A little later, whilst JonBon is out of the room, Rocknrolldame secretly prepares a birthday cake for him! With too many candles on it to count, once lit, this thing promises to go up like a Hiroshima tribute cake!!!
Upon re-entry to the room, a noise like a chorus of classically trained zombie chimps, trying to sing whilst pulling out their own teeth greets him! It’s actually the entire Live/Wire crew singing happy birthday! The painful recital ends with a rousing & impromptu addition at the end that is far too offensive to write here!!!
JonBon braves the inferno & kind of blows all of the candles out!.........eventually!! – The General dutifully keeps one hand ready on the Co2 fire extinguisher behind him! – You never know!!
The cake tastes beautiful, as does the inch thick layer of wax!!
As show time approaches the theatre fills up & the Kornwall Krazies enter!!
Shouts from the audience of “C’mon you tubwhackerrr”, “Go on General” & “Blimey, it’s Big Foot!” greet The General’s entrance to the stage! The General gives the Kornwall Krazies a salute & the gig kicks off!
It’s a great gig as ever at the Acorn! And the Krazies go absolutely barmy! So much so that two security guys come to the front just to make sure that nobody gets hurt!! But as always the Cornish people know how to have a good time – not even a sniff of trouble!
Thanks to everyone who came – it was another brilliant night in Cornwall!!
After the show The General meets up with RicKo, Bennetts & Mansfield! Always brilliant to catch up with these chaps – some of the maddest bastards on the planet!! The General praises RicKo for his you-tube antics – Combat Warriors!! A spoof on martial arts films! As funny as hell!! Just go on you-tube & type in Combat Warriors. You will see all three episodes there (there will be more! – You have been warned!) 1 – Enter The Garden, 2 – Garden Of Fury & 3 – Way Of The Garden……well worth a laugh!!!!
All too soon it’s time to say goodbye once again & the Krazies stagger off into the night! But nothing the Krazies do is done quietly! And they are heard arsing about from the open door of the dressing room for a good five minutes afterwards!!!
Eventually the racket disappears into the abyss!
The Blunder Bus & Thunderbird 1 are loaded. Just as the back doors are shut a completely naked man is seen wobbling through the car park!! Although a little unsteady on his feet, he definitely has purpose to his stride…….who knows where he was going or what he was going to do when he got there, but one thing’s for sure….he’d be doing it with no clothes on!!!??!!!!
With that the Live/Wire circus heads back to the Travelodge for the usual post gig drinking, cooking, piss taking & laughter!
And so another brilliant south west weekend ends …….
…..as TinK would say… “a pleasure & an honour!!”
Cheers!
General-Von-Fukkanzihoffn(A.K.A. – Daz, Drums,
A.A.K.A. - Tubwhackerrrrrr,
A.A.A.K.A. - Big Foot!!)
Posted by Daz on Thu 19th March 2009